I Will Hug Him and Pet Him and Squeeze Him…

“Excalibur!” Thomas raised the shiny sword into the sky. “It is a fitting name!”

“Sure,” said Patrick, “if you want to renowned for being unoriginal, and a plagiarist to boot.”

“Well, to be fair,” replied Hazel, “any rights to that name must have expired centuries ago.” She sniffed. “It’s not a very good name anyway. What do you expect from a sword that was salvaged from some tart that lives in a lake?”

Thomas glowered. “Fine then, this noble blade shall be known as Stormbringer!”

“You still think Moorcock is an obscure writer?” said Hazel incredulously. “That’s Elric’s sword. Your pitiful blade will be laughable with that name.”

“She has a point,” agreed Patrick. “Don’t try for ‘Mournblade’ either, that’s the twin so it’s just as scandalous to steal its name.”

“STING!” shouted Thomas, “for it will sting like a bee!”

“Far more appropriate,” said Hazel. Patrick agreed “the size is right, and you’re just as annoying as a bee. BUT,” he continued, “there’s a musician from the Kingdom of Britain that will contest your usage of his name, he’s quite famous you know.”

“Aye,” nodded Hazel. “Be wary, he was a policeman in a prior life.” She narrowed her brow. “There is also a wrestler that goes by the name. They have coexisted for some time, but they may both agree to come after you.”

“We’re ignoring of course that the first SWORD to be known by that name was carried by one o’ the little people,” added Patrick. “Tolkien’s estate made a lot of money off the movies. They’ll throw lots of barristers at you.”

Thomas gave off a low moan, as if in pain. “I just want a good name,” he sighed. “Widow’s Wail?”

Hazel and Patrick laughed. “Seriously?” Patrick sat back. “Don’t tell me you want to try Oathkeeper or Longclaw as well?”

“Those were terrible names to begin with,” Hazel said. “George Martin obviously couldn’t be bothered to come up with anything better.”

“FINE.” Thomas thrust the sword into the air. “What do you two think this fine weapon should be known throughout the realm as?”

“I’ve always been preferential to George,” replied Patrick. “It would fit, the way you hug it, and pet it, and squeeze it and cuddle it…”

“Shut up Patrick,” glowered Thomas. “What kind of sword is named George?” He looked at Hazel. “Do you have a serious proposal?”

“You might as well call it Peter,” she replied. “Most men treat their swords like extensions of their dicks anyway.” She looked pointedly at his crotch. “It would be an improvement though.”

“I give up.”


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